Raising Children today

Having children in modern day is no joke. Times have changed, and the pressures are on our kids more than they ever have been. Children today are bombarded with a highly competitive environment; they are expected to excel in the classroom, on the sports field and at extra-curricular activities. The trap parents all appear to fall into (perhaps unconsciously) is teaching our children they are valued only if they win or at the best at something.

Our children are striving for recognition and approval to build their sense of self-worth - whether that means hours practicing gymnastics, or getting to bed at 22:00 every night after studying to get those top marks. We need to raise our kids teaching them that they possess intrinsic value - not because they are good at something. If our children continue to grow up believing they are measured by their performance in various different avenues, they will grow into adults who may be looking for every opportunity to fill a void of neediness for recognition, leading to a life of endless unhappiness and searching.

So how do we motivate our children to reach their full potential, without putting the pressure on?

• Allow your child to choose which extra-curricular activity they would like to partake in (even if you had avid dreams for your little boy to be the next best Springbok and he wants to take up tap dancing). When your child gets to the inevitable stage where they want to throw the towel in, remind them that they chose the musical instrument or sport, and like all commitments, we need to see them through to the end.
• Guide your child to set goals that are realistic, and are within their capability. Remember that no two children are the same, so even with siblings – one may be gifted at math whilst the other a fantastic sportsmen.
• Focus on the process rather than the end result. Praise your child efforts rather than what marks they end up receiving.
• Remember it’s about your child and not YOU! Don’t try to reach your own “missed dreams” by living vicariously through your children.
• Teach your child to find satisfaction and pride in everything they do – and not to rely on others for praise.
• Try to support your child and encourage them as far as possible; avoid criticism that is not constructive.

If your child is more anxious than you consider “normal”, basic relaxation techniques can go a long way in alleviating their stress. Teach them to breath in slowly for five counts, hold their breath, and then exhale for ten – and repeat three to five times. This extremely basic exercise slows the heart rate down – potentially avoiding a complete melt-down and panic attack. This is especially useful for our matrics and university students in the midst of exams.
Lastly, if your child gets to the end of their schooling career and STILL does not know what career path to pursue, there are a few options you could consider:

1.  Gap year: a gap year has it’s positives in that your child may have the opportunity to volunteer in a career which interests them. If they have applied for a course and were unsuccessful, they could spend this year pursuing short term courses to up-skill, and also expose them to some of the material they would need to study in their chosen degree / diploma. Alternatively, travelling abroad teaches your child competencies which may not be learned otherwise: responsibility, what makes a good work ethic (should they work overseas), financial planning, and being ‘street smart’ in general. The downside is that the more independent they feel and the longer that gap is, the hard it may be to return to full time studies.
2. Career assessment: A career assessment maps out what your child’s core competencies are from a cognitive perspective, and how they view themselves from a personality perspective. They also complete an interest survey, and using all this data, a recommendation can be made to your child predicting the course they are most likely to excel in.
3. Enter the workforce: It’s true that having a diploma or degree is not everything. However, purely having only a matric will mean your child will need to fight much harder to enter a vocation which they can excel in. With unemployment rates at an all-time high, it’s advisable to have some course to add to one’s CV, which gives you the edge in the market place.

​At the end of the day, we as parents are responsible to ensure our children have a good self-esteem, because a healthy self-esteem is the best precursor for success throughout life.